You may also want to check out our "Can't Make Me" web site for more information for parents of strong willed children.

What Is the Strong-Willed Child?

Now here’s a surprise: The master praised the crooked manager! And why? Because he knew how to look after himself. Streetwise people are smarter in this regard than law-abiding citizens. They are on constant alert, looking for angles, surviving by their wits. I want you to be smart in the same way—but for what is right—using every adversity to stimulate you to creative survival, to concentrate your attention on the bare essentials, so you’ll live, really live, and not complacently just get by on good behavior. Luke 16:8-9 (The Message)

Richard loved football, but he didn’t care much for studying. By his junior year in high school, his grades were so poor that his diploma was in jeopardy. His parents, it seemed, had tried everything—threats, bribes, promises—to no avail. In desperation, Richard’s father issued an ultimatum: "Richard, if you don’t get those grades up immediately, you can’t play football." And this boy who loved football as much as life itself, squared his shoulders, faced his dad, and quietly said, "Then forget football." And everyone lost. Richard lost what he cared about most, and his parents lost what they believed was their only leverage.

***

She was such an adorable little girl. "Angela!" Her mother sounded exasperated. "Angela, I said get over here right this minute!" Standing in the aisle of the department store ,I watched the face of this beautiful five-year-old suddenly darken into an angry scowl. "No!" she cried. "I want to go see the toys now!" Her mother looked exhausted as she grabbed Angela’s hand and began to drag her screaming daughter through the store. As they passed me, I saw the mother’s eyes roll upward as she muttered, "Just another ordinary day."

***

If you are the parent of a strong-willed child (SWC), you don’t have any trouble relating to Richard’s father, or Angela’s mother. You’ve fought hundreds of battles like this with your own child—probably before he or she even turned two years old. You know how frustrating it can be to see your bright, loving, creative offspring instantly turn into a stubborn, immovable force. What did you do to deserve such defiance? How could your wonderful kid have turned into such a monster?

Although much has been written about this "difficult child," Dr. James Dobson, who first introduced us to the term strong-willed child, wrote several years ago that he had yet to find "a text for parents or teacher which acknowledges the struggle—the exhausting confrontation of wills—which most parents and teachers experience regularly with their children."¹ Even so, frustrated parents around the world are searching for ways to discipline and direct their stubborn-willed children without breaking their children’s seemingly indomitable spirits. In fact, Dr. Dobson writes in his book The Strong Willed Child: "It is my firm conviction that the strong-willed child usually possesses more creative potential and strength of character than his compliant siblings, provided his parents can help him channel his impulses and gain control of his rampaging will."²

Strong-Willed or Simply Different From You?

Do you have one of these wild and wonderful children? How do you know whether you truly have an inherently strong-willed child (SWC) or a child who is temporarily exhibiting defiant behavior? Every individual comes into this world with a wonderfully complex and unique set of traits, characteristics and temperaments. Research has also shown that we are "pre-wired" with certain tendencies when it comes to taking in and making sense of information. These preferences, or learning styles, determine how we learn, how we decide what’s important, and how we communicate with the rest of the world. These learning styles also play an important part in the parenting process, since we parents often believe our children should do things our way. After all, we are living proof that our way works!

We often overlook, however, that our children have their own views of the world, and we may wear ourselves out trying to change their basic nature while we try to get them to do things that make sense to us. Parents rarely deliberately set out to frustrate their children. Believe it or not, children don’t usually try to intentionally annoy their parents, either. But when two opposing styles meet, something has to give.

Several months ago on a flight to Orlando, Florida, I sat next to a frustrated parent. Bob is a former fighter pilot for the United States Air Force. He now serves as an instructor as he prepares to retire early. I learned quickly that he has five kids and that two of them are driving him crazy. We laughed good-naturedly, and I began to tell him some of the principles I cover in my book The Way They Learn. As we talked about the different learning styles, he was intrigued. "This is beginning to make sense," he claimed. He leaned closer and told me why he was so frustrated with two of his beloved children. "How tough can it be," he asked, "to remember to make a little checkmark in a little box on the chart posted on the refrigerator?" Before I could reply, he continued. "And don’t those kids realize that you don’t brush your teeth before you put on your pajamas? You put on your pajamas first, then you brush your teeth."

I grinned at him. "Bob, how do you eat M&Ms?"

He replied without hesitation. "Oh, I always eat the primary colors first." He looked puzzled. "Why? How do you eat them?"

"Well, I just sort of pour them in my hand and pop them in my mouth."

"Oh no! Don’t you realize that the Mars Candy Company has no specific formula for how many of each color go in each individual bag? You can’t just consume them randomly, before you know what you’ve got!"

I laughed. In jest, I said, "Bob, you are a sick man!"

He joined my laughter, but suddenly looked thoughtful. "You know, I always just thought my children were being disobedient if they didn’t do everything my way. I’ve already figured out what works best and what methods are most efficient. I assumed if they do it another way it’s just pure and simple insubordination!"

Bob and I spent the next few hours discovering and celebrating the differences between him and his wife and between him and each of their children. He was delighted to read through the learning styles charts and checklists, and he seemed relieved to learn some ways to motivate and inspire his own SWCs.

You may be convinced that every one of your children could qualify as strong-willed, and yet you may also be surprised to discover that, in many cases, you just have a child who simply makes sense of the world in a unique way. For example, if you tend to be analytic, like Bob, you automatically break information and situations down into component parts, focusing on and remembering specific details. But if you have a child who is the opposite—global—he or she is better at grasping big pictures, and getting an overall sense of the situation. While you are demanding that your child pay attention to what you’re saying, he may still be struggling to figure out what’s so important in the first place. (For more information about these different learning style combinations, be sure to read my book, The Way They Learn.)³

How Strong-Willed Are You or Your Child?

A strong will, of course, can come in all learning styles. In over a decade of teaching and working with learning styles full time, however, I have found that SWCs, whether children or adults, have several characteristics in common. Take a few minutes to read the following checklist, and mark all the items that describe you personally. Then go through the list again for each of your children, and measure the degree of strong will each child appears to possess.

How Strong-Willed Are You?
Checking Your SWC Quotient
Mark only those statements that are true almost 100% of the time:

The Strong-Willed Child (SWC)…

___ almost never accepts words like "impossible" or phrases like "it can’t be done."

___ can move with lightning speed from a warm, loving presence to a cold, immovable force.

___ may argue the point into the ground, sometimes just to see how far into the ground the point will go.

___ when bored, would rather create a crisis than have a day go by without incident.

___ considers rules to be more like guidelines (i.e. As long as I’m abiding by the "spirit of the law", why are you being so picky?)

___ shows great creativity and resourcefulness—seems to always find a way to accomplish a goal.

___ can turn what seems to be the smallest issue into a grand crusade or a raging controversy.

___ doesn’t do things just because "you’re supposed to" --it needs to matter personally.

___ refuses to obey unconditionally—seems to always have a few terms of negotiation before complying.

___ is not afraid to try the unknown; to conquer the unfamiliar (although each SWC chooses his or her own risks).

___ can take what was meant to be the simplest request and interpret it as an offensive ultimatum.

___ may not actually apologize, but almost always makes things right.

Your Score: How Much Strong Will Do You Have?

0-3 You’ve got it, but you don’t use it much.

4-7 You use it when you need to, but not on a daily basis.

8-10 You’ve got a very healthy dose of it, but you can back off when you want to.

11-12 You don’t leave home without it—and it’s almost impossible to not use it.

Keep a Positive Focus

Being strong-willed does not have to be a negative trait! I often remind parents of SWCs that their children may change the world—after all, it’s not likely that the world is going to change them! Your SWC may be God’s instrument for making the world a better place. It is a great gift to have a child with firm convictions, a high spirit, and a sense of adventure. Think about some of the great leaders and innovators in our past—Thomas Jefferson, Marie Curie , Albert Einstein, Joan of Arc, Thomas Edison, and others. Each of these people held up under adversity, stood for his or her convictions, and persisted against all odds. They refused to believe their dreams were impossible.

It Takes One to Know One!

I have talked to thousands of SWCs over the past several years, including hundreds of prodigal sons and daughters, and they have given me a wealth of information to share with you. Their answers are consistent, and their insights are valuable.

I have also lived my life seeing firsthand how the mind of the SWC works—from the inside out. I was never what you would call a rebellious or defiant child. I grew up the daughter of a conservative, evangelical preacher, and I never rebelled against my dad or caused him to feel ashamed of me. I was not a particularly loud or obnoxious child. I never talked back to a teacher. In fact, you couldn’t have traced half the trouble I caused back to me! Outwardly, I was quiet and compliant and basically easy to get along with.

But whenever I am backed into a corner and told "Do it…or else," I simply "else." I may not be confrontive or loud, but I know there is nothing I really have to do—except "die." Which I am willing to do. And since I am willing to "die" and you’re not , I win. (OK, I’m dead, but I win.) As you can imagine, this mindset has always presented a unique challenge to my parents and others in authority over me.

My mother tells me that as early as eighteen months I had already figured out no one could really make me do anything. She tried to insist I eat all the food that was placed before me. As soon as I figured out she was going to have me sit there until the food was gone, I simply dumped the contents of the bowl on top of my head. It became a contest each meal to see if Mom could figure out which bite was my last one before the bowl was dumped and she had a mess to clean up. It didn’t take long for her to decide the battle wasn’t worth it!

My sister came along five years after I did, and she was nothing like me. Since it took my parents that long to work up the courage to have another child, I think they were relieved to find Sandee so compliant and pleasant-natured. As the oldest, I used my position and strong-willed nature to both delight and traumatize my sister. I was definitely in charge, and Sandee followed my lead. Sometimes the bully, often the dictator, or even the encourager, I enjoyed having my sister recognize and appreciate my strengths.

Although my mother was convinced we would never be able to do anything but fight with each other, as adults Sandee and I are very close, and enjoy a wonderful relationship. People often ask her if she grew up resenting me because I was such an SWC. She sweetly smiles, and claims it was actually a blessing. "You see," she explains, "I loved it. Since Cindy was always the one with the dangerous or adventurous ideas, I was never the one to get in trouble. I would just say it wasn’t my idea, wasn’t my fault—and Mom knew I was telling the truth."

Even though I’m an SWC myself, I believe my best credentials for speaking out on behalf of all SWCs is that I am the parent of a strong-willed son. (My mother denies she prayed this would happen so I would know what it was like!) My son Michael is so typical of the SWC. At one moment he is loving and thoughtful; at the next he is relentlessly terrorizing his brother or mouthing off to his father.

I am forced to live what I teach every day. I am not giving you advice from a quiet corner. I am in the trenches with you. I know firsthand that having an SWC can be both the best and worst thing that can happen to you. Mike is strong and intelligent and determined. He can ruthlessly drive himself to master a task or achieve a goal. And yet the strength of his will is often at its worst when obstacles stand in the way of his plans or when his twin bother, Robert, is not his normally compliant self. Mike can quickly change from a focused, analytic child to a frustrated, impatient kid, loudly demanding his way. At times like this I hear him screaming at his brother:

"You’re fired, Robert! You’re not my brother anymore!" Of course, if Robert calls his bluff and walks away, Mike is quick to call him back—immediately suggesting at least a slight compromise.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’ve come to the right place! I’m about to offer you more hope and encouragement about your relationship with your SWC than you may have thought possible. I know we SWCs can drive you crazy. We know how to push the buttons that reduce you to rage in a matter of seconds. We seem to constantly choose to do things the hard way. School and other traditional functions may leave us bored, frustrated and restless.

But if you are the parent of an SWC, you have been given the opportunity to love, nurture and guide an individual who has great potential. Why not direct that wonderful and mysterious energy into the right channels, and use that marvelous determination to achieve positive results? True, you will be stretched and challenged beyond what you thought were your limits. But ultimately, you can be rewarded with an SWC who loves God, who loves you, and who leaves your home with the ability to be a successful adult.

This book can place in your hands a priceless treasure—the gift of understanding your SWC. I hope to give you a glimpse into the mind of an SWC so you can begin to see how it works. I want to offer you practical strategies for how to motivate and inspire your SWC rather than to simply engage in power struggles and pointless battles. I will offer guidelines to help you determine whether you need to do something drastic. What you are about to read and think about can heal your relationship with your SWC, bring peace to an argumentative family, and help you discover some wonderful things about yourself in the process.

Most of all, I hope this book shows you that instead of simply becoming exasperated and irritated with your SWC, you can honor and value what he or she does best, while still holding every individual accountable for moral and spiritual values.

Hang on, and keep an open mind!